Treading Water

I do like swimming, and I haven’t been in a while, and my 20-year-old daughter likes to swim (a lot, really), so when I was at Ft. Myer last week, I joined the Officer’s Club again (after many years), and I joined the pool (again).  So far, except for having lunch at the club last week, we haven’t used the pool, but I expect we will.  I hope we will.  We better!  Anyway, it’s a sunk cost now.  (My former boss, who has been the chief economist at a number of companies, should appreciate that I understand that concept).  But I do like to swim.

I think I’ve posted about water before.  I like it.  Water. Rocks.  Swimming.  I like the feeling of being held up by the water.  I like being able to exercise without getting sweaty.  (Really.  Is that weird?  I like that part.)  I like how things sound different in the water.

But I also have a healthy respect for water.  Water can be very dangerous.  I like to be in control when I’m in the water (well, I suppose most people do).  And what does this have to do with anything right now?  Well, a lot of the time these days, I feel like I’m just treading water.  I don’t entirely feel in control of things.

I know I’ve talked about this stuff before.  It’s a recurring theme.  I have stuff to do, and sometimes I have the energy to do it, and sometimes I don’t.  Much of my behavior is completely consistent with depression.  Well, that would make sense.  I mean, my husband just died.  And I have a long history of depression anyway.  All things considered, I think I’m doing pretty well.  Most days I get up and do stuff.  Some days I just can’t.  I have a lot more to do, and I suppose it will eventually get done.  It has to, and I’m the responsible person – so that’s what I do.  I’ll get it done.  But I do feel directionless.

On days when I don’t manage to do anything productive, I tend to feel a bit guilty.  Then I remember than I should be kind to myself.  It wouldn’t do to just retreat to my bed and stay there forever.  But so far, it’s not forever.  It’s not even two days in a row.  So I guess that’s ok.

In a few weeks, I’ll be starting my internship, so I’ll have work things to do most days.  That will bring some more order into my life – some more direction.  I won’t just be treading water in the deep end.  That’s my plan.

Tomorrow?  Well, tomorrow maybe I’ll have the energy to gather all the materials I need for the Sgt. to finish my taxes.  Then I can call and make another appointment with him.  That would be good.  That would be something.

Even treading water is keeping my head up.  I’m still breathing.  I’m still doing something.  And one of these days, maybe I’ll take advantage of the investment, and go jump in the actual pool.

That’s it.  That’s my mite. It’s all I’ve got.

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