OMG. By which I mean, O, my God! What are you doing? What are you trying to tell me/show me?
Here’s the thing. I think God might be steering my call to ministry in a new direction that I had not foreseen, and it’s a bit scary. Call is scary. And I find myself in discernment. This is a struggle. And it’s funny about that, because just last night someone asked me about Jacob/Israel wrestling with God. OK, let me back up a bit.
I happened to be making a presentation to my Hebrew professor’s Isaiah class last night, and, in the course of the conversation about Hebrew in general, one of the students asked me about Jacob wrestling with God (I know, this isn’t in Isaiah – the conversation just went this way), and if I thought that Hebrew being an embodied language and the Hebrew scriptures being so embodied showed up here. “YES!” I said. Jacob got a new name, after all…Yisrael – He Strives With God. And that became the name of the people – He Strives With God. This is what we do. We strive with God.
And now I’m wrestling. I’m wrestling with what God wants from me. I’m trying hard to listen.
If God is telling me something new, it means giving up what I’ve been holding on to for the last several years. I don’t mean ordained ministry – I mean the direction of my ordained ministry. Lately, the hints have been coming from several places. And then a big whopping opening door yesterday. Do I go through? But then what of the path I thought I was on? There’s a bit of mourning (just a bit) involved if I change direction. And this nagging feeling that I’ve been somehow disingenuous, even though this has come as a total surprise to me – more to me than to the people around me, apparently.
I’ve been saying recently that it’s good that God didn’t illuminate the whole path before me at the beginning, or I would have run fast and far in the other direction. This latest twist, well, I don’t think I would have had the constitution for all this if I’d known this all along.
I still don’t know what I’m going to do for sure. Only that I’m keeping options open. I’m exploring. And I’m remembering what Jesus said – although God is asking far less from me – “not what I want but what you want.”
I’m working on it. I’m wrestling with God. We’ll both win in the end. God will get what God wants. I’ll get what I need. Even if I don’t know it now.
My, but this is exciting.
That’s all I’ve got. That’s my mite.